Episode 20: Oops All Bloops

SCORING MAGIC
EPISODE 20
WRITTEN BY: KATIE YOUMANS & THE CHAOTIC CAST OF VALENCE
PRODUCED BY: WIL WILLIAMS

These last few episodes of VALENCE have been rough, so we decided to share one of the best things about making VALENCE: our goofy actors. Enjoy this look into our bloopers vault.

TRANSCRIPT

KATIE Y: Hello! It’s–it’s been a minute. But we’re back, and this week, on Scoring Magic, we decided that you all deserved something a little light, and a little goofy, and so, uh . . . we delivered. This week is a special “Oops, All Bloops!” which Wil did describe as seven minutes of terrible meat, uh, but is actually just our goofy, perfect goblin children being goblins. [laugh] You’re welcome!

[intro music]

CALEB: And then I yeet the bottle of wine out the window. Car crash sound. Honking. Cat screaming.

[beep]

JORDAN: [as Sarah] And I think I know what it’ll be . . . They’ve got — [breaking character] Um. Who’s Chen?

KATIE C: I’m Chen. It’s her last name.

JORDAN: So, is that her last name? Seriously? Ok.

[beep]

JOSH: I mean, I could try not to sound sexy, but I–I don’t know.

[beep]

JOSH: [as Liam] Noel. Noel? Noel. [breaking character, singing] The first Noel appeared in episode five.

[beep]

CALEB: Is this the really suffery one or was that the other suffery one? Yeah, it’s not, like, great, but like, there’s degrees of suffering.

[beep]

JOHN: Sorry. [laugh] I was thinking about whether or not that was horny enough. 

ALL: [laughter]

JOHN: I’m so sorry.

[beep]

JOHN: [in a goofy bumpkin voice] Well, gee, I guess we’re all just lost to time now! [laugh] Liam, come over here so I can shake yer rattlesnake!

[beep]

GIANCARLO: [singsong] Rest in pieces!

[beep]

JOSH: Liam, episode two, scene three. [faux-drunkenly and atonally, to the tune of Piano Man] [as Liam] Uhhhhh do me a thing, you’re the piano guy / Bop me a bop right now / ‘Cause I’m drinking some wine to the song and stuff / And something . . . part of a ship’s the bow. [various grumbly noises] Fine. Fine. One small ball of light. Small. Doable. It’s doable. Certainly. Li’l ball of light! S’totally doable. I can do that. I can do the hell outta that. 

[beep]

JOSH: Oh, ok, I’ll just — [pained yelp/scream noise] There. [pause while others in the background laugh] What, it’s a pained scream! What do you want from me?

[beep]

JOHN: [singing] And I think that’s it for episode eight, scene one / And then they tell Liam to make out with Nico / And that’s fine / This is my song about how they’ll make out / Ha ha haha so they both lose [laugh] Okayyyy. More like Oh Gay

[beep]

JOSH: [surprised yelp noise] [laugh] Wait– [laugh] Sorry, lemme try that one more time. [marginally cooler yelp noise]

[beep]

JOSH: These fucking kids. I’m just going to murder them. I’m going to walk upstairs, and I’m gonna murder all of the children . . . hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t be recording that. No. Let this go down in history. 

[beep]

JOSH: Is this Caravan??

JORDAN: Not that kind of exertion, honey.

JOSH: Oh.

[beep]

KATIE Y: [reading for Sarah] Do you have enough juice left for that?

JOSH: [as Liam] Definitely not.

JOHN: [as Nico] … I’m full of juice.

KATIE Y: Cursed!

ALL: [laughter]

KATIE Y: What a nasty, juicy boy!

ALL: [laughter]

JOHN: I have no idea where that came from — I’m sorry, let me do that again.

KATIE Y: I know where it came from.

[beep]

KATIE Y: Josh, go look in “Whole Boy”. [*Transcriber note: “Whole Boy” is a group chat Katie Y, Josh, and John are in together.]

JOSH: Wha–oh! God, why?

KATIE Y: [laughs]

JOHN: What just happened?

KATIE Y: We — no, don’t tell him or you’re fired.

ALL: [laughter]

JOHN: “Don’t tell him or you’re fired”?!

ALL: [laughter]

JOHN: Unbelievable.

ALL: [laughter]

JOSH: Ignore the sounds of typing coming from my screen.

JOHN: [unintelligible] SpongeBob macaroni!

JOSH: Oh!

JOHN: Kiss my ass!

ALL: [laughter]

JOHN: Fuckin pasta hipster!

[beep]

JOSH: [with differing emphasis, as Liam] Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! . . . [breaking character] I have said “fuck” so many times this season.

[beep]

JOSH: [as Liam and his inner voices] How have you never noticed how heavily you walk? Are you trying to get yourself caught? Hey, Frankenstein, for fuck’s sake, walk less like a badly trained circus bear! Frankenstein was the name of the monster, actually. Now is not the time for that!

[beep]

JOHN: [speaking normally] Ok, this is episode six, scene two. Uh, Nico’s… limes. I’ve nailed this already. [as Nico] Ew. Ew. Ewww. Ew David! Ok, ew! 

[beep]

CALEB: How do you cry pretentiously?

[beep]

JORDAN: [as Sarah] She didn’t even get me a coffee. Just sayin’.

KATIE C: [as Grace] Well, you should . . . give her your order next time.

[beep]

CALEB: This exact moment is gonna end up in the documentary. [laugh] Speaking things into existence! [narrator voice] Hi! Thank you for listening to Scoring Magic. 

[beep]

JOSH: [as Liam] Yes. Thank you. I–I appreciate that. G–goodbye. [speaking normally] There we go.

JOHN: [as Nico] Fuckin’ see ya?

ALL: [laughter]

JORDAN: We just leave Nico alone in that room.

JOHN: [as Nico] Bye?? [breaking character, laughs] I kinda like that, to be honest with you. 

ALL: [laughter]

JOSH: [mimicking Nico] “I’m here too!” Yeah.

[beep]

JOHN: Bless you, my child, for you have sinned against the Lord, your God. 

[beep]

JOSH: [snooty voice] And a bidet to you, sir!

WIL: Scoring Magic is a Hug House production. You can find more at HugHouse.Productions. You can follow us on social media @ScoringMagicPod. This episode was written by Katie Youmans and every goofy actor who did a fuckup on us, and was edited by me, Wil Williams. Now go . . . take a nap! I love you!

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